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Author: Guitarguy Subject: Finding the right person after divorce!?

Posts: 1
Registered: 08-26-2020

posted on 08-26-2020 at 11:16 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Finding the right person after divorce!?

Hey all,

Hope everyone is well!
I had an abusive childhood and my mother hated women and always put down other women in front of me and she had so many issues, one being that she is bipolar and a narcissist and could not talk to me about anything that involved emotion or anything remotely deep. Besides the abuse and being shut and conatantly threatening to have me adopted (even placing a suitcase on the street corner for me to leave at 6 years old). This was the woman I k ew best and was closest too. When I got to college, I was terrified of women. I also disnt want my mother around any woman in my life. If a woman was remotely attractive, she would rip them apart and call them a slut. It was horrible. She ruined every relationship my brother had.

As a result, I ended up with a woman who I should never have been with. I wasn't attracted to her, etc...
But she was a good person and my mother wouldn't attack her but she did partly destroy our marriage. My ex was also bisexual and was very into women when we started dating and it always worried me that she would realize years later she would rather be with women.

Fast forward to 2017 and we divorce. Remained friends to this day and have one child together. We were so wrong for each other. We hadn't had a physical relationship in many years. I fell out of love with her many years ago. We were roommates.

I have been dating in recent years and going to therapy.
I am finally dating women I am attracted to and who are attracted to me. I love the male/female dynamic and I have never had that before. My ex was not very affectionate and never expressed herslf in a romantic way.

I have always worked out and been in great shape, yet never felt noticed at all. Part of that is my fault because I ended up with someone I should never have been with. We both knew it. It was never a good fit.

I almost feel like I am experiencing in dating what I should have, when I was younger. I dealt wirh so much trauma from childhood that I was quick to move on. I went thru years of therapy toward the end of my marriage. I also no longer speak to my mother. She already told me she will never accept another women nor will she ever be there for me. She never was.

Its been tough finding the woman has everything I want. I see. A lot of friends in polyamorous relationshipa.
I don't think I will ever marry again. I think it's a govt and religious construct of which I want no part.

Have some of you found that your dating after divorce feels like you are young again and going through things you should have years ago?

How do you feel about settling? Better to be alone? Polyamorous?

Sorry, I am sort of free forming here and writing what comes to mind.

Anyway, thanks for listening! Be well and safe.

View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By Guitarguy (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member

Posts: 4
Registered: 06-15-2020
Location: Clovis, CA

posted on 09-22-2020 at 16:07 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator
Finding the right person after divorce

Your post was really touching, so much soul searching and overcoming. Too bad kids can't divorce from unfit parents, which is what you describe about your mother. Mine was a good mother, but I've had two close friends who over time described their mothers/fathers and gave me a view of what terrible parenting can do to a child. In both cases, the traumas of their early years had long-lasting effects on their lives, well into adulthood.

I will pass along a perspective that both of my friends eventually accepted. Don't heap the garbage from individual persons onto other people just because of a criteria. For instance, we cannot apply the hurt from our parents onto people who are not those parents. To do so is a defense mechanism, and it doesn't serve anyone well. We should avoid seeing new acquaintances as being like past ones who did us wrong. In other words, don't carry old baggage into new relationships. Leave it in the past so you can open up new relationships in a clean fashion.

Divorce is a legal action, not a social one. Social breaks are harder because they carry feelings. But divorce can be a freeing thing, a boulder off your shoulder. To divorce ourselves from past relationships that failed or where just generally painful, we need to find relationships that bring us love and friendship/companionship. That means we have to advance through the day with a willingness to trust people, at least until they show us not to trust.

Every person is unique, as is every relationship. Don't be afraid to hope for love and happiness. I've learned that we get what we give attention to. If you expect pain, it will come. But so too will happiness if we tune our attention in the direction of happiness. It is a stronger position to continue to hope when so much from our past tries to dictate that hope is lost.

Be courageous.

Good luck.
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By lonesomerabbit (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member

Posts: 1
Registered: 08-26-2020

posted on 09-22-2020 at 20:33 Reply With Quote Report Post to Moderator

Thank you my friend,

I have been en in a loving relationship with a wonderful woman for almost a year and a half. We don't know if we will ever get married. Not sure we care to do that ever again. That said, we are committed to each other and love our time together. She was married to a man who was pretty nasty to her. It's good I can give her love and be there for her.

I am also in therapy to deal with the damage and trauma I suffered as a child. EMDR has been so beneficial for rewiring my brain. It's amazing what EMDR has done to undo some of that limbic system damage.

Thanks again! I appreciate the kind words and thoughts.
View User's Profile E-Mail User View All Replies By Guitarguy (only searches replies by default, for topics please run another search) U2U Member
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