Sex is often a very sensitive issue for people to discuss openly. Because of this fact, a large amount of couples, married and not, have difficulty maintaining their sexual intimacy. Although it might happen without noticing, couples allow their sex lives to dwindle to the point where neither spouse can remember when they had sex last.
Fortunately, a sexless marriage or relationship can be fixed as long as both people involved are dedicated to the relationship and its success. Many of the problems people have with sexual intimacy are actually a result of other problems in their relationship. Some people simply do not feel attracted to their partner anymore for one reason or another. Whether you have been having problems for ten months or ten years, it is possible to utilize helpful information, tips, and techniques to get your sex life thriving again for years into the future.
Before we move forward, it is important to note that the term "sexless marriage" does not necessarily refer to a marriage in which two spouses NEVER have sex. In fact, even if a married couple has sex once a week, they can still be categorized as a "sexless" couple if one of the spouses is not happy with the sex and feels it has become routine and boring. The term sexless simply implies that less sex is occurring than should be or is desired, or that the sex occurring is not satisfactory.
Each couple that experiences problems in their sexual relationship will likely have different causes than the next couple. Every person lives in a different situation and each couple creates an even more specifically tailored situation for themselves. Every relationship that experiences a lack of sexual encounters will have its own unique reasons and causes for it.
In contemporary society, we are constantly bombarded with things that distract us from our personal desires. Commitments like work, school, housekeeping and parenting are all commonly noted for causing a lack of sex in relationships. The hectic lifestyle we live today is full of constant distractions and makes it very easy to fall into a sexual rut. By the time we have accomplished our tasks for the day and have gotten settled down at home, we are often too tired to do anything but watch TV and sleep.
Another common cause of sexless relationships is simple misunderstanding and miscommunication. If you scour resources on sexless marriages and how a successful sexual relationship is maintained, you will find that one of the most common solutions is communication. If a couple is not communicating their feelings, particularly about sex and their sexual relationship, problems will simply fester and grow larger as time passes by. Spouses will feel that they cannot express problems they have or even desires they wish to explore. This is common when one spouse works all of the time and the other either stays home or does not work nearly as much. They each have reasons to blame each other and themselves for the lack of sex, but either way, the situation does not change.
A basic lack of sexual attraction that continues to diminish can also have a major effect on the relationship and the sexuality within it. For example, say John is constantly working. His wife Mary stays home to care for the children so John is the main supporter of the family and overworks himself often. Because he is constantly working, he begins to overlook taking care of himself. He begins to gain weight, does not shower each day, and only shaves once every week or two. At this point, Mary might feel less attracted to her husband and their sex life can suffer even more than it already has due to John's work schedule. This situation is sadly quite common. While Mary feels lonely and desires sexual intimacy, she also feels guilty communicating because she knows John works so hard to care for her and the family. This is a great example showing how the intricacies and responsibilities of life can come in the way of a healthy sexual relationship. Lovers begin to feel bitter towards each other and the sexuality simply dwindles away with time.
Sexual expectations can also cause problems in a relationship. Although this can fall under the category of communication, sexual expectations are commonly unmet and cause festering problems that are not discussed. John, from the previous example, might be interested in having sex in a certain position. If Mary does not satisfy his desire, he will feel frustration because his needs are not being met. Here is where communication, once again, comes in as an essential part of sexual intimacy. If John and Mary can openly discuss the issue, there is a much better chance of that need being satisfied.
A relatively common amount for people who are in "sexless" marriages to have sex is around once or twice per month. Keep yourself aware and start keeping track of how often you and your spouse enjoy sexual activity. If you notice that you and your spouse are having sex less than once or twice each month, it is probably time to bring the issue to the table and start figuring out ways to work on the problem.
Another common sign that your marriage could be considered "sexless" is when having sex with your spouse begins to feel like a chore. Many people, both men and women, can at some point or another feel that sex is something they are obligated to do on a weekly basis. This is very similar to the way we look at chores and, therefore, sex begins to feel like one. Many people have this feeling, but ignore it for one reason or another. Discuss with your partner how they feel about your sex life and, if one or both of you feels like sex has become chore-like, begin taking steps to spice things up. The most difficult part of this step is admitting how you feel.
If you and your spouse find that you never have sex unless it has been planned, you might be living in a sexless marriage. Sexual intimacy naturally occurs at random times when two people are attracted to each other, especially when they are in love. The urge to kiss the person and be close to them should not be something you force. While planning ahead for intimacy is a healthy approach to increasing sexual activity, it can become a crutch and cause you to lose your sexual spontaneity.
When two people are together for a long time, their fantasies tend to wander. While it is healthy to experience fantasies about other people once in a while, it can be a problem if it happens too often. If you realize you never fantasize about your spouse, you might have an issue to take care of. In a healthy sexual relationship, you should be naturally thinking of your spouse and imagining things you would love to experience with them.
If you are the only one who is interested in sex, you are probably in a sexless marriage. When you notice yourself always instigating sex, needing to push your partner to feel sexual, and relieving yourself when you are turned down, it probably means that you are more sexual than your partner. At least, at the time being, you are a more sexually charged person. Even if your partner agrees to be sexual with you on a regular basis, that does not necessarily mean that he/she is interested in sex. They may just be doing it as an obligation to you, as their spouse. Again, this is where communication is king.
Lastly, but not least importantly, is the idea of sexual adventure and spontaneity. A healthy sexual relationship will involve each partner participating in creating new and exciting scenarios, suggesting fresh ideas, and making sure the sexuality does not dwindle. If you notice that neither you nor your partner have tried anything new and creative in a long time, it may be a sign that your sexual lifestyle is struggling. Although it may be a negative sign, it is also a positive step towards a happy sexual relationship.
The most common and successful solution to a sexless marriage, although you have probably heard it a thousand times before, is good communication. One of the most basic problems causing sexual frustration and avoidance is bad communication. If your partner does not know what you like or what you want, how will they know what to do to make you happy? They won't. They will guess as time passes, whether consciously or not, and eventually those assumptions will become a habit. Neither partners will be truly satisfied, but will feel as though they are causing problems if they bring up something they desire.
Healthy communication should allow both you and your spouse to be understood by the other. It might be difficult to express your true feelings at first, but don't hold anything back. If your spouse does something you do not like, or does not do something you do like, go ahead and tell them! If you can't tell your spouse, who can you tell? The point of a marriage is to share your life with someone, and sexuality is a very major aspect of life. While sex isn't something a relationship should be based on, it is definitely necessary to help two people live in a happy, satisfying, long-lasting relationship.
Many people who are involved in sexless marriages are so obsessed with the problems caused by their partner that they do not take time to analyze and fix the problems within themselves. It is natural and easy to blame our problems on the people around us, but in reality, we ourselves usually have something to do with it, if not everything. Your wife might not be coming on to you as much as you crave, but have you been showing her the affection and attention she craves? Think about how you have been treating your spouse and whether or not you would be attracted to that behavior. If not, your sexless marriage might be more your fault than you initially thought. Are you doing your part to care for the household? Have you listened to and supported your wife through problems she has encountered recently? Did you kiss your wife when you left in the morning and when you arrived home from work? Many men, once they realize their own behavior actually is affecting their sex life, adjust that behavior and find great success. By consciously making efforts to be a better listener, caretaker, and partner, men commonly find their sex life blossoms as well. Your day-to-day life will improve and your overall happiness within your relationship will get better.
The idea of planning a date and time for a sexual encounter is unappealing to many people at first. However, when people involved in sexless marriages consider the idea and go through with it, they find it improves their sexual intimacy greatly. This is not because they are being forced to have sex. Yes, that helps to bring out sexuality that might be fading as time passes because of the pure fact that the couple is having intercourse. However, the simple act of having intercourse is what improves the relationship and the sexuality within it. As couples continue to schedule times to enjoy sexual activities, they slowly rebuild the excitement. Every time you and your spouse enjoy sexual activity, it will naturally make you both more sexually charged. Not only that, but you will feel an increased passion for your specific partner as well. It seems that planning out sexual activities and making time to stick to those plans acts as a reminder for couples who have lost their sexuality. It forces them to remember their sexuality, the amazing ways they can make each other feel, and the fact that they become closer every time they are together in that way.
When you and your spouse are communicating about the sexual aspects of your life, try not to focus on the parts that are negative or simply missing. If you enter a conversation about sex with your spouse and only discuss the ways they do not satisfy you, the conversation will probably not be very productive. Instead, when you have a conversation about your sexual life, make an effort to keep the discussion lively and exciting. A conversation about sex with your spouse should not be a frustrating or uncomfortable conversation, but an enticing and interesting one. Discuss different aspects of your sexuality you wish to explore, how often you think about your spouse sexually, and show interest in what your spouse is thinking about. It will also help to discuss sexual parts of your relationship that you really like. If you can give your spouse compliments, do it! Keep the discussion conversational; in other words, don't simply take turns stating things you want. Ask questions about the ideas your spouse is interested in and express your opinions respectfully. By entering a comfortable conversation about sexuality and doing so repeatedly, you and your partner will find that discussing the topic is fun, healthy, and improves your relationship. Obviously if you dislike something, this is the time to bring it up and discuss it, but don't just read off a list of complaints. At the end of this conversation, if it goes well, you and your spouse will most likely be ready to move to the bedroom right then and there!
A fun and subtle way to increase the sexuality in your relationship, even if you do not tell your partner it is happening, is to give them flirtations throughout the day. By flirting with your partner throughout the day, you will continually be on the back of their mind. They will feel comforted knowing you are thinking of them and their thoughts of you will be positive and loving. By the time you come back together at the end of the day, you will both be more excited to be together.
Finally, you should make an attempt to slowly increase the amount of sexuality within the relationship. Do not expect to have one conversation with your spouse and suddenly have sex twice every day. Instead, show your spouse that you are committed to improving the relationship in the long run and do not act pushy or entitled. As you and your partner rediscover your sexuality and trust, that sexuality will begin to occur naturally and, in time, more frequently.
Sexuality in a long term relationship is a challenge, but an aspect of the relationship that is necessary and absolutely wonderful. As human beings, sexual pleasure is one of the most basic, common, and enjoyable experiences we can partake in. Therefore, as a married pair of human beings, you and your spouse should have a strong desire to both give sexual pleasure to your partner and receive it from them.
As time passes, however, the stresses of life wear us down. By the end of the day, our daily activities have made us too tired to think. By the time we have gotten home from work, picked up the kids from practice, made dinner and cleaned up, all we can think about is the comfort of our bed. However, we aren't thinking of sex in bed. We are thinking of sleep.
Keeping a healthy sexual lifestyle with your long-term partner is an essential way to keep the love and fire alive. No matter what sexual problem you and your partner may be facing, there is a way to solve it and enjoy a satisfying sexual life. With communication, patience, dedication and love, you and your spouse can rekindle that spark and enjoy a healthy, active sexual lifestyle for many years to come.